I will become an anchor, AKA becoming a "Super Man", NOT "Superman".........

Anchor:

: a heavy device that is attached to a boat or ship by a rope or chain and that is thrown into the water to hold the boat or ship in place (Via metaphor I am that device. I usually am used with four strings and two hands.)

: a person or thing that provides strength and support (See above metaphor.)

So, it's just this. I found out this week that the cancer my Mom was told is "in her system" (and possibly could be treated) is in fact much further along than that. It's not like she didn't want to tell anyone, but wanted to wait until she knew all the facts. Well, the facts turned out to be stage 4 cancer in her liver, pancreas, and hip bone for sure, with no hope of treatment for remission and survival. She was given two options; One, surgery to remove tumors from organs and bone PLUS removal of major portions of other organs to try and lessen how quickly the cancer spreads. I was told that this type of surgery is a minimum of 10 hours under anesthesia, she's guaranteed a minimum hospital stay of 10-14 days and THEN she gets to go home for an up-to THREE MONTH "recovery period". If that goes well then she might get to eat normally again. Then there was her number Two option, no surgery, no nothing, just going for it as best she could, with pain management, palliative care, etc. Option One could afford her a small chance of continuing some kind of longer-term existence, Option Two would offer a 100% guarantee of not being able to see in 2015. She has decided to have the surgery.

I've known for almost five months now that the cancer had come back, and I thank my Mom for keeping the family in the loop how she has, not giving anyone anything until she and her team of doctors were positive of what was happening and then what would be expected next. But, now that I know, I am saddened beyond belief. All my life my Mom has been called (by her own admission) the "Eternal Pessimist" and I have tried with all my might to run away from that as hard as I can. No Plan B's, escape routes or better options needed here for THIS fella thank you very much. I gladly take the long walk off the short pier, for better or for worse. 

You see, what's bothering me the MOST right now about this cancer bullshit is that I've realized that for the first time in my Mom's whole LIFE, she has no "Plan B", and THAT'S the thing that is causing her (and I'm sure will continue to cause) the most pain. There have been off-handed comments about "wishing that this wouldn't have to happen all over again", based on the fact that she is a two-time breast cancer survivor, and on occasion that pragmatic pessimist has shown up, but there's just NOTHING she can do about what the ending to this will be, which is her death. I had much of my adolescent life governed by her need for options, and now I will sit back and watch how she manages not having one. This is not a mean-spirited comment, nor is it an attitude of payback, etc. This is not only an amazing opportunity for me to watch how an adult deals with the realization that their life is about to come to a finite end, but an opportunity to clear the books with my Mom that has never had a place or time until now. The thing that has made me feel pain the most right now was when she said 'You know, it's hard, but I might like to feel a little bit sorry for myself right now", as if that wasn't even an OPTION! Another reason for gratitude about A.A. is that I've learned to talk about ALL of it, all the feelings. I might tell her that I learned from my first A.A. sponsor that it's okay to have feelings of pity, anger, etc, but you just can't STAY that way.

So, my Mom is going to find out here in the next week or so when the surgery is, and, in an ironic twist, I am making some plans right now that have to be made. I'm headed to England in three weeks and staying there for three weeks, so I'm going home to Erie, Pa. very soon, and just for a couple of days so I can see my Mom in person prior to her surgery. It was horrifying enough for me not to be able to see "Dad #2", Greg Pruyn prior to his recent passing, and if my Mom were to pass away during or after without me seeing her I could never forgive myself. I'm also going to see "Mom #2", Karen Pruyn, who recently lost her husband to cancer as well. In addition, I'm going to look into how to get home quickly if there are any difficulties with her during or post-surgery. Being home, even just for that tiny window of time will be good for me. I can hear the trains through the bedroom windows, get a piece of beach glass, and hug my folks really hard. I hopefully will be able to see my sister and brother-in-law as well, presuming they're not on vacation.

At the end of the day I am positive it comes down to these facts right here:

1-My Mom and I haven't always gotten along, but, just like every OTHER kid out there, not only can I not fathom or imagine my life without her in it, I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of her dying.

2-I need to tell her what I just typed, and say a couple of things to Pops while I'm at it. The books need to be cleared, 9th-step style, which is the only way to go for me.

3-Meetings, meetings, and MORE MEETINGS. I have to have them, especially for three weeks in England.

4-I need to be a Super Man" right now, showing my boy Willzzzo how it's done to be a good Daddy and a good adult. Living life largely with him and allowing him to become who he will be with as much guidance and structure as I can provide.

5-I crave intimacy, I know that now. And NOT just THAT kind of "intimacy". I want to tell people my secret plans and have them say "THAT sounds exciting, how are you going to do it?", and NOT "Well, how will that affect THIS?". I want the intimacy that says "You want to stay up all night? Because you work better / think better at night? FUCKING COOL! I want the intimacy of having people in my life whom I can trust and who will trust me back, and who know my love for them is 100% unconditional, no matter what life has brought us. I want I want the intimacy with people that allows for trust even if you've broken it before. I want that intimacy to be solid and scary in its might and full of laughter and creativity with no limit on artistic truths no matter WHAT the costs might be. This is what I sought out with my Mom during the course of my entire adolescence, and I found several people who fulfilled this in my life and STILL DO! Dave Pruyn, John Zuck and Joe Funderburk, in case you wanted to know.

6-I must become an anchor. No more shitty sleep habits, because these habits are causing me great physical and mental harm, I KNOW it! No more crappy food, I must show my son the way, and it's NOT McDonalds, it's cooking together at home. I am going to play my bass EVERY DAY, because something's in the works right now that will need every molecule of my ability to pull off.

I love my Mom, and I get to look her in the eyes and tell her so in a couple of weeks. I will see my Dad and I will see Presque Isle as well. It's 3:56 a.m. Chicago-time right now, and I believe I'm just going to stay the fuck up, hit the six miles I need to run as soon as it gets light out, and make it through the day with espresso roast and green juice! Thanks for reading this, it means the world to me.
I love you all and please be well, Paul

p.s.-I think I need an anchor tattoo as a reminder....